when you can't see anything

blah. life is so annoying.

not gonna lie...still wanna make ya smile, but all i can do now is keep you from frownin'

i suck so hard.

weeklong stomachache. stomach flu, doctor says. awful.

nibbler is all kinds of fucked up. since he couldn't produce his own tears, we gave him medicine to lubricate his ojoes. side effect of medicine: he now has a whole in his left right eye. he had surgery. 3k. it's worth it cuz nibbler is nibbler. the medicine also costs hundreds of dollars a month, but it's nibbler. he's getting better. he has a cone around his neck. it's hilarious. he misjudges and misses whenever he wants to lick my face, so he ends up licking the top of my head.

i had a good day of surf sunday. first time in half a year. i've become a lil more reticent lately. i think that's the word. well, if i were to admit to my layman's status and just put it in my own words, i'm a lil antisocial again.

i saw a friend from last year the other day. she has this boyfriend that's 20 years older than her and she's leaving in 2 weeks to new york for culinary school. there seeeeeems to be a possibility that i'll never see her again, but that's that. hugz goodbye.

i sewed up a big ol' crotch blowout in my jeans. it's really a poor job.

a few weeks ago, i fell asleep with my friend. she'd wake up a lot to shift this and that way. she had some sorta pain so i stroked her hair. it made me smile. it kinda was like the good ol' days.

these days, whenever i don't have some sorta music playing...i sing my songs again.

i added one to the playlist: boyz II men - on bended knee

i sing that HARD.

not much really goin on. i've just been partying too much. friday night kinda ended my weekend early. had to turn down half a dozen other parties cuz i'm an idiot.

speaking of which, i'm an idiot. i don't know what to do these days.

she smiled and waved the other day. so sad.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4Kqi_jb2mXY

this is what i've been watching lately. my friend, during a sadness binge, decided it would be nice to watch something depressing as all hell and let it make him sadder.

i joined him.

this particular episode makes me super sad. ahhhhh shiba. when asou-kun kneels to lend aya-chan his back and give her a piggyback ride down the stairs, a vivid memory popped into my head. in the last few years, only one person has rode on my back. so sad. i really only let my best friends ride on my back, and that one person i've allowed to be so close to my spine has become so distant. so kanashii. twice as kanashii because she rode my back twice. both while we were drunk. that should be quadruple kanashii.

it really is terrible to not be able to say what is in your heart. i think with most people, it's because they aren't brave enough to do it. with me, with my limitless courage, it's different. it's my desire to make her happy. there was a time that personal contact was my method of making her happy, but that time is owarishiteimasu. i still can't believe that i turned into such a terrible person. what i did was really terrible, and i think i've come to terms with that. i just, can't accept that i messed up this badly. the biggest mistake of my life.

going back to my japanese drama, i have become asou-kun. the good part of me has. he's honest. if he sees that he was mistaken, he accepts it. he is nice because he is nice. his classmates are nice because they are polite. being "civil" is silly: the fakeness that comes with politeness is more irritating than anything i can imagine. for me, honesty is the most valuable attribute amongst people.

i wonder if that means a bad person should act like the bad person one is. should a bad person try to be nice? i don't know. i just don't like the idea of being civil. well, i just don't like it at the moment. she smiled at me 3 or 4 weeks ago. afterwards, she says she's just trying to be civil. from being, what i thought as, best friends to being civil; that is absolutely awful. i don't do civil. that's faking friendliness. screw that.

honestly, she said some really hurtful things that she really can't take back. i mean, i did some really hurtful things that i painfully already know i can't take back. but it's unfortunate, because i believe that in her time of emotional vulnerability she decided to listen to other people than to her own heart.

she knows what kind of person i am. she liked him too. buuuuut she definitely talked to her friends about me and her friends definitely told her to not forgive me. which is the worst because her friends don't even know me. she knows me. what do they know? to them, i must look like some sleazebag that thought their adorable friend was an easy lay. she...she should know better by now. i'm just unorthodox. and painfully inexperienced. i had no clue what i was doing.

when she finally realizes that she can trust me again, i wonder if she'll have enough guts to talk to me. i had enough to try to talk to her, even after i completely took advantage of her. my shame knew no bounds. she should remember my remorse that i had months ago. it's not something i just realized now after being told i am unforgivable, it's something i've known ever since the last time i woke up and left her room. even before that.

i mean, will she ever trust me again? more importantly, can i even be trusted? do i really believe i'm trustworthy now? well, i think i've always been trustworthy. i've been too stupid in the recent past, but never unworthy of trust.

on a lighter note, some gal pals def said i was sexy today. kinda nice. until recently, no one has ever said that to me. i've only been called "nicest guy ever"...a nice comment that obviously omits the visual disappointment. but, no matter how many times anybody calls me attractive, i really can't lead them on and go out with them. i mean, during a drunken stupor, i def told this japanese lady that i'd be her american boyfriend. i told her we can hang out, but i don't wish to lead her on. and at a recent party, def told a girl that i'd teach her how to surf. i have her number, but i don't think i'll be calling anytime soon. is it more cruel to slowly drop out of communication? or is it more cruel to lead them on and take them out? they shouldn't waste their time on me, so i vote the latter.

i play charades, but i don't live them.

an amusing musing: when i avoided her today, she looked like she was smiling. i mean, that smile could have been for anyone. i was in the presence of a heavily pedestrian populated crossing. or she could have not been smiling at all. but the memory i captured in the split second between seeing and stepping away was this: she shielded her eyes from the sunlight with her joined hands above her brow, was smiling or simply discerning if it was me or not, while walking around the corner.

it's been a full week since she's seen me. it's been a week and a half since we last communicated with each other. my intentions is to keep it going. i've just got to try harder in sparing myself from her sight or any other part of her. times like this, i fully recognize the catholic in me. i fully recognize my relentless remorse, my self deprecation.

on that note: i suck.

i don't belong in this body. that, or i don't belong in this era.

my soul is either that of a young man living in a tom sawyer-esque time or that of an old man. i took a detour today. i was heading toward the computer lab in the student center and decided that i'd rather be somewhere in or around aldrich park. so i went there. sort of. i stopped short of entering the circular path of the park and rested my old fellows on a bench. feeling more relaxed than moments before, i was inclined to recline and stare straight up into the trees, the sky, the life.

the world, i'm convinced, didn't have another person or thing that was experiencing anything close to the sublime experience that i was. i kept my sights on a gap between two trees, where sunlight penetrated and wisps passed through. the sun illuminated the poised puffs as they slowly navigated the air. when i realized what was happening at that moment, i at once decided that that was the most beautiful occurrence in all of the world. that very moment was far beyond anything else happening anywhere else.

it could have been better, i suppose. supposing, i spent it with someone else; that could have been better. at such an occasion, my moment of sublimity would have been not only the most beautiful in the world, but perhaps the universe and time itself. who knows? in the end, the person i wanted next to me wasn't there. so really, it's pretty darn irrelevant.

anyways, i feel like a jerk. today, so far, has been nice. i ran into two people i haven't seen in 2 and 3 years, respectively. for some reason, the one question they both addressed was living situation. odd. but that's not why i feel like a jerk.

my detour today was caused by my retroverted self's reflexes. yep, i'm now the person i was a year ago. a good and bad thing. i'm almost certain this is temporary, but i've definitely gone back to the days where i kept to myself. i suppose this could be good or bad. if you believe in the saying "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down," then it's a good thing. but, i know there exists a person in me that would rather die than be a hermit, so i feel like this is a bad thing. i don't believe in blending in. i don't believe that anyone should have to hide themself. but, for now, i feel like it. i feel like cutting off communication with the outside world. i do this once a year i think, with a different group of friends each time.

anyways...yeah. i saw someone who i wish i could be friends with, but such a thing is dekinai. upon seeing her, i definitely pulled a dick move and went the other direction. i guess this is my way of letting her be happy. perhaps it isn't a dick move then, but a move of unselfish desires.

like always, i want her to be happy. she asked me to let her be happy. so here i am, dodging her. this, i think is the best course of action. i'm a pretty honest guy and i know if i ever spoke with her again, i'd immediately go back to trying to sweep her off her feet. i won't lie and pretend that i don't want to be with her still, but i already promised her i wouldn't romantically pursue her again, so i guess i'm just in prevention mode. if we ever do become friends or anything else for that matter, it's up to her. it's up to her initiative. i've already tried and she doesn't want anything out of it. at the least, i can say i didn't try to avoid it.

there was an elephant in the room, and i wasn't blind to it.

this is my life for the last 2 or 3 weeks. obviously, this mostly recounts today's events. but besides this and that, my days are still the same: they're spent thinking of my friend of not too long ago; they're spent wishing that she called or even came over; they're spent flipping coins into fountains and praying. my days have been the same for the last five months. my days will be the same for the next xxxxxxxxx.

i'm so ridiculous. so i've been telling people i've just met my recent life's story like i was telling them what i did over the weekend. i can't tell if i'm a really open guy or if my troubles aren't exactly heavy enough for me to keep it inside.

i'm an open guy. this trouble has definitely been keeping me awake. it's been making my heart beat at an irregular pace. it's been the only thought that has occupied my mind.

when someone worries about another this much, then the other will look at the worrisome one and think that person is pathetic. people who care always look pathetic.

i really wish to speak with her again. at the same time, i really don't want to speak with her ever again. the problem is, i've become a different person once again. avoiding her is running away. so i won't. but at the same time, i know i can't initiate any sort of discussion. so i won't. what is a boy to do?

people are surprisingly not taken aback when i speak to them about my problems. an even bigger surprise, not one person has looked down on me when i say i sexually assaulted her. and i've honestly talked to more women about this than i've talked to men. why is that? i'd expect them, women especially, to immediately throw a fist into my face after hearing what i've done. but it's like...i don't know. no one hates me. no one but the one person who matters, really.

drinking on a wednesday. not my choice, but for a friend who needs empty beer bottles. after saturday, i feel like i've done enough "my life sucks" drinking.

in response to "surf the badness away."

no, you really can't sir. unfortunately, waiting for waves is the worst. you stare into the water, gazing into your own reflection on the surface. only to realize that your own reflection is a more perfect form than yourself. the reflection hasn't hurt anyone, it hasn't committed any sort of sins. but the real form that reflection mimics, that form is guilty of so much. so much to think about while waiting for waves. not fun. fucking, that's xanga shit right there.

anyways. yeah, i haven't been surfing. why? because that's where i think about my friend the most. the ocean is where i shared my happiness with her. i taught her to surf. but now, when i paddle out, i can only think about what other things i've done to her. honestly, what kind of person hurts the person they love most? the most despicable, of course.

now when i think about it, meditation is really silly. meditation is to be able to distract the mind from life's distractions. however, there is no such thing as a form of mediation that lasts forever: after meditating for a while, you'll eventually come back to your senses and realize that those distractions are still there. you've only achieved being distracted from reality.

that's running away.

eff my face off with a shotfun. seriously. i'm a bad person. fuck, i'm just a person. i make goddamn mistakes. we all make fucking mistakes. fuck, life's rough. in any case, i'm still sorry. very very sorry.

just now, i thought i'd be really funny if someone threw a roll of toilet paper at me. because right now, i feel like either shit or like an ass.

boners in tight pants are kuroshiiiiiii.

i am hated, but i will still do my best. forgiveness is very difficult to come by these days, but what kind of person would i be if i didn't seek it? what kind of person would you be if you didn't give it to someone who sincerely is sorry?

trust. i won't lie, i feel pretty betrayed too. i mean, what i did was wrong and despicable, but you always reassured me it was alright. you even wanted to be my friend after i did those things. however, recently you found reason to hate me for those things i did.

that's unfair. to wish to be my friend and immediately retract those wishes as i return to be a friend. very unfair. it hurts, you know.

i'll suffer the pain though, because it's you. isshouni warattai.

i truly value honesty. i remember when we were completely honest with each other. it's not like that anymore. i should act my age, drop whatever the hell this is, and just move on. i'm too young to care so much for one woman. i guess this really isn't the period of my life that i take relationships so seriously.

i should be smart.

i'll be a better man than i was in the last.

i don't believe in destiny.

believe in me who believes in myself.

since i've posted in this depressant of a journal. unfortunately, i can't bring myself to...how do you say...bring myself to liven this journal up. maybe i want to say...i can't make this a happier journal. but that makes me sound sad. i mean, in more ways than one i am.

i've been silly lately. crazy over a good friend. i do this a lot i suppose. i guess this is the third time i've fallen for someone i could call my best friend. but hey, that's just how i operate. i always believed that the best loverly relationships are born from those awesome friendships. so i guess if you've ever wondered, "wow oliver and her used to be like, best friends...what happened?"

my amazing risk assessment skills happened.

though it never seems to work out, i won't say i regret my actions this times. i'll admit, i probably shouldn't have gone for ms. harding, because when i really think about it, i don't see us meshing well. same with ms. cornwall. i suppose i wanted to believe i could fall for a friend like lauren, but i couldn't bring myself to think of her romantically. as for heather...hell i can't remember what went on in my mind. if i ever had an infatuation, she was it. when i really think about her and how i felt back then, it was a possessive kinda interest. i didn't even think about how she felt. she was even so kind to provide me with space so i could recover. unfortunately, she may have given me too much space because by the time i got over my childish crush we weren't as close as before.

well, this time is different it seems. i could honestly say i love lil miss johnson. funny right? i'm name dropping past gal pals right and left (heather the right and lauren the left) but i choose to use the last name of my most recent heart beholder...a last name synonymous with jane doe.

well...i'm not afraid of who may read this. her name is kaycelyne. kaycelyne johnson. and fuck yes, i still love her. and fuck yes, i have a hell of a time remembering how to spell her name. even the spell checker on this goddamn blog is telling my i'm still wrong. i'm gonna go with my heart and believe that i spelled it right.

wut have i come to? i remember writing really neato blogs of my daily life and i remember even enjoying re-reading those that i had written. like, i knew more words. haha. wow. sad. now i could barely articulate my difficulty with spelling people's names.

anyways, i am very confused on why i decided to write this entry. i don't fucking know. it's late at night. this is what i usually did back then anyways. you know, with that other lj "committsins" if you remember. not many people went to that blog, but it was interesting. all i'd ever do for months after feeling broken by heather (hey no hard feelings, i was very immature) was curse myself and everyone else until twilight came and then i proceeded to curse the aforementioned in that blog.

the idea seems silly now. u know, to hide how i feel. i don't like hiding much anymore you know. like, seriously, ask me any thing. i'll tell you the truth. i've got nothing to hide. sorta. i mean, there is only one secret i have that i won't tell to anyone except for the one who needs to hear it. if you're wondering, that person is a family member.

anyways...i suppose i started this post to vent about ms johnson. well...i dunno. i definitely wrote out her name so people could find it. just google the name. i mean, seriously, her name is one in a billion. there's like...only 6 kaycelynes out there. maybe less. for you see, they've been hunted down for their distinct beauty. sadly, they're poached so the black market can have the most beautiful large eyes and smiles in stock. u know, when i think about it...this is the first time the black market has behaved like the eskimos. i mean, they actually don't just take only those fantastic features of kaycelynes. the truth is, every part, every aspect of the kaycelyne is exceptional in their own right. they take the entire kaycelyne, not wasting any bit of the kaycelyne. seriously, the kaycelyne is sublimely beautiful. or maybe, it's just this specific kaycelyne. yeah, i believe i spotted another with her name and she was hardly par.

anyways...oh yeah...the name is pronounced "case-sa-lin". i think. she sometimes is too nice to even correct a mispronunciation.

well...i've been putting up this awful version of oliver for her to see. seriously. he is kinda cool in some ways, but he's despicable in so many others. did you ever read the brothers karamazov? he's kinda like mitya. he seems to love life and is definitely a likeable person. however, he's a scoundrel. yeah. a perv. with no control. fun yeah? i tried to suppress the scalawag side of oliver, but it was kinda late for that. hey...this and that happened and i don't wanna explain the rest really. it's silly.

in short, my friend is head over heels for some dude who doesn't like her the same way she likes him. like i love her. not even close. and, obviously, i'm still in love with her. but i dunno. i told her i wasn't gonna give up on her. but maybe i should. i kinda wished we could go back to the light hearted days when i just did so many things for her to make her smile. honestly, that's all i want. to make her happy and smile. but it's just an awful situation. i don't know wut i should do. all i know is wut i'm gonna do.

i'm a silly boy who'll never relent. i remember an old friend talking shit about the band fairweather. like, it was something like fairweather was some shallow pop punk bullshit. i think mike reiser said it. anyways i'm sure he never listened to fairweather's lusitania.

specifically, the song with line:

are you willing to lose, instead of giving up?

yeah. that's the kinda guy i am. i'll keep professing my love until she tells me to stop. fuck, i think she might have already. i really don't remember. well, i'll keep up my antics until she reminds me then.

yeah, she told me to stop. haha yeah. she wanted me to go date other gals. i did. i still am. is that bad? it was all jokingly done (i think) but i was with a new friend and she said she'd be my girlfriend even though i love kaycelyne, but only if i cook for her and teach her how to surf. fair enough. haha. i am such a silly boy.

i wonder how long it'll take before typing her name in google will bring up this journal.

such a silly boy.

yeah, this blog is how my brain usually functions. you can totally recognize the moments where i believe in the power of love and the moments where i believe in my rationale. the night is when i think a lil more realistically. if u asked me to put money down on whether or not she'll ever love me too, then i'd say to bet against it is a smart bet.

buuuuuut. my family has a reputation for being prone to gambling (and thus bad bets). personally, i'd bet all my money that'll happen. it's a million to one longshot of course, but could you imagine that pay out? i'd be a millionaire if i bet one dollar on that shit. i'd be a multimillionaire if i bet two! so, if lay all of my feelings down on the line, the returned feeling will be a million times more wonderful. or terrible. either way, the lesson of the day is that betting is fun.

http://community.livejournal.com/freeebeeer/profile

my friends and i are doing a comic called "free beer," and it's being published in the new university (our campus newspaper).

this isn't the actual site for the comic, but merely a livejournal friendly means of accessing the comics (since i'm almost certain some people in the world don't have access to an irvine specific newspaper). there's a facebook group for it too, but i don't know the address of that...

tell all your friends. i'll post the upcoming comics as they are posted in the new university.

maybe i'll even post them a day or two early: all the more reason to join the community.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=wholibah

a couple works so far.  see more later

feist is very pretty.

i'm glad i saw her.

owen rules.

i regret showing up late.

so i managed to get into someone else's formal for free

and i looked good doing it

by body is sore.

i need sleep now.

i believe i have schizophrenia. 

i kinda wish i do.

well fuck.

so last friday, i was all alone.
not fucking date and therefore no fucking pussy.

analyzing the situation, i decided to go with the best possible means of spending my friday evening:

i was going to jerkoff until i felt like i impregnated half of the indonesian population.

time was going slow, and after blowing 9 loads in an hour and a half, i decided i needed something more exciting.

you can only do so much with your own imagination and the thought of a nice old nun at the local christian preschool.

so i zipped over to my laptop, wiped the cum from the keyboard and proceeded to link up to youtube.com.

but then i was stuck with a conundrum: what can possibly be exciting enough to pull out that tenth self-oral sperm deposit.

then it hit me. 

i've whacked it to double penetrations, creampies, dirty sanchezs, and strap on dominatrixes giving the reach around to wheelchair bandits.

the only thing left to do was to pleasure myself to the most inconceivably horrible sight ever.

so i typed in the search bar "most inconceivably horrible sight ever" and hit enter.

i wasn't feeling the first few results.

i wasn't going to reach orgasm to seeing some dude getting kicked in the balls by a donkey. 

well, i just didn't want to jizz to something i've already diddled to.

but then i saw this video that was only described in the side bar as "NWS: FAMILY ACT."

naturally, anything labeled nws was my bag and curiosity forced me to click the link with my left hand on the mouse as my right violently grabbed life by the horn.

the video started to play and i turned up the volume.  the setting was a dank office, dimly lit by a single hanging light fixture with moths flying about it.  a talent agent sat at a small folding table with his legs thrown over it.  he smoked a cigar and his clothes looked like they were dipped in the urinal down the hall (i assume there was a urinal of some sort down some hall in whatever building this man resided in).  then as the momentum of the video started to dwindle, the office door swings open and an overly excited middle aged man comes flying in yelling," Sir! You gotta see this!  I come to you with the greatest act in the history of show business!"

the man at the table taps his cigar and lets the ash fall into the ashtray lying on his stomach.  "Oh Yeah, wutcha got?"

the man in the doorway replies with only a gesture to his eyes.  for you who can't make the implication, he's telling him to watch.

in comes a parade of a pregnant teen, three children, and a dog with a goldfish bowl strapped onto it's back.

the man at the table looks at what just entered his room and asks, "Who the fuck are these people?"

"Well this fine looking lady is my wife of 13 years.  We've been married for 2 weeks.  These children are my brother's who landed on deathrow last month, and now they're i my custody.  And the animals are going to be are meal for tonight.  Enough questions, tis time ti witness the greatest show on earth."

the man turned around and faced his wife.  he reached back as far as he could and slapped her so hard her eyebrows shifted two inches to her left.  she landed on the floor, which cued the kids to drop trou and finger fuck each other (these were two lil girls and one autistic boy).

the man pulled out a jar of peanut butter from his coat and smothered it all over his wife's bleeding cunt, after punching it fortright with all his might.  the dog then ran over and started to lick and lap from her strawberry and peanut butter sandwich. 

meanwhile, the kids begin to do a song and dance of sorts, including multiple rimjobs and anal fistings.

the man grows the most rageful of hardons looking at the spectacle and proceeds to stick his man pole into the pregnant teen's asshole, leaving little room for the dog to duck his head to consume the rest of the peanut buttery goodness.

the children end their dance with each other's fingers in the other's mouths and vomit spewing all over the folding table, with what looked to be pieces of cat drenching the bewildered man and extinguishing his cigar.

the kids mosey on over to their aunt and uncle.  they all lift up the left arms and shove them 8 inches deep into their uncle's shithole.

the movement of his horse size schlong and the back and foward motion of his neices' and nephew's left limbs cause him to lose control and he just releases his bowels.  everywhere. 

the shit was getting a little out of control, so he donkey punched his wife, right crossed the kids with one swing, dipped his ass into the fishbowl strapped onto the dog's, who is still licking the preteen's pussy, and overflows the bowl with his fecal matter.  the goldfish that was swimming wistfully in it before was now puking its guts out while flopping on the floor, gasping and mostly dying.

the kids, who are so innocent and pure of heart, deny the fish the chance to die at that moment, pick it up, fill their uncle's gaping ass with their own piss, and throw the fish in his butt, who then proceeds to swim back and forth in his intestines.

it seemed that the lil critter's movement was very arousing, because after 10 seconds of it swimming about the uncle pulled out of the teen's ass, kicked the dog straight in the nose, shoved his 18 incher into the girl's vagina, and let loose a furious load and gave the pregnant teen's baby a full on facial.

everyone on the opposite side of the table stood up, opened their opens, and said "viola!"

now the room looked like it absolutely reeked and it looked like the video was doing the trick, because i could feel my ball sack convulse with the absolute desire to follow in the man on the screen's footsteps and blow a load of biblical proportions.

after a moment of silence and awe, the man at the table threw his cigar in a corner, stood up, and the video was done.

well actually, it was cut short.  my laptop's internet connection just gave way.

there i was, sitting in the library, sweat dripping out of my asshole onto the pulicly owned seats-the cushion soaked with the water from my salty balls, and my dick in between my thumb and forefinger getting harder and harder with each passing moment.

i decided i'd finish the video at home, so i looked on the screen for a title for the video.

and there it was. 

the name of this fucking incredible video wasssss...

The Aristocrats!

well, i got up from my seat as the libarian walked over to see what the ruckus was about-the mother and her child next to me were shrieking and crying over something.  the librarian looked at me and tried to comfort the pair.  as did i, by spewing my man juice all over their terrified faces.

i knew it helped, since they all just stopped and fell to the floor.  instead of crying, they just whimpered.

i was glad i helped the world in my own little way.  i am catholic afterall. 

so that was my friday night.

 

a favorite past-time for me is recalling a memory i had not thought about in years.  well, one can hardly call it a past-time, as it happens only every once in awhile and through means i have no control over.

but just now, i thought about a time when i was in grade school.  i was either the 4th or 5th grade, hell maybe even 6th, when this event in my life occurred. 

i was at john muir hospital in walnut creek.  i was going into operation to get that special extra skin most boys lose when they're babies cut off.  yeah, i told everyone i had kidney stones.

this was the only operation i've ever had that wasn't dental oriented.

wow...i can remember it so vividly.

i was playing pokemon on a gameboy i borrowed from rene.

the wait was the worst.

but all this information isn't the memory that struck me to write in the journal.

the memory involved a very pretty girl, probably a year or two older than me. 

a whole team of doctors and nurses gathered around her to close the curtains and do whatever they were going to do.

but before they closed her off from my view completely, she smiled at me and waved.  i waved back.

i felt she was there for something that threatened her life.  i don't know how i made that assumption, but it's easier for me to flat out accept that life deals terrible hands sometimes, and to the most

innocent of all sometimes.

of course, i never saw her again...

but that was probably the single most beautiful moment i lived in that year. 




















...you know, for being such a vivid memory from like, a decade ago, i can't remember her face.  perhaps i did see her again.  i just didn't know it.

ok, short post again:

i got into a barrel today.  didn't come out, but getting into one was a rush in itself.

i discovered uci has a surf team, different from the mere club i thought it had, which i'll try to get on in due time.  they compete in the nssa or national scholastic surf association.  school and surf: a potent combination.

right now, i'm too terrible to join.  maybe in a couple months.  too bad i'll be missing the season.

but the barrel...the barrel.





i'm not done, i'm not done yet.  i'm a perfectionist, and i won't let this point in time define the peak of my mind and body.  and soul...

ever play brain age?  the last time i played, i was 20 years old in mental capacity.  fuck yeah fuckers.